my love, my life

We have, unexpectedly, decided to wean. We are taking cues from our girl, & while she’s ready, & I am not. Up until this morning, I had been down to one pump a day when I could stand it. It wasn’t consistent. I’ve tried everything I could possibly think to make even that more tolerable & bearable. This morning, the day after our daughter hit 9 months old, that journey has also ended. I am no longer nursing (she has been so ADD when nursing & showing little to no interest when actually nursing – like spitting it out 😥). Pumping/nursing has been HELL since the beginning of February when my cycle returned & I have been in mental/emotional, & physical agony. And yet I pushed through.

Because getting pregnant was hard & long & not easy.

Because pregnancy was so difficult for me.

Because the birth experience & actual birth was so traumatic & terrible. Nursing/pumping was going great.

It was so damn easy. I was a phenomenal producer; & I was DAMN proud of that. It was like Mother Nature’s (well earned & deserved) gift) to us. If one part of this was going to go easily & well, I was grateful for it to be nursing/pumping. ultimately, I was happy & forcing myself to keep going because it is “what’s best for baby.” & honestly EFF that. Because what about what’s best for Mama? Since stopping nursing on Monday, I am already back to feeling like my old self & NOT trapped in a black hole of depression & intrusive thoughts. I have been miserable & have described what I’ve been going through as being a prisoner in my own mind & body. How is that healthy or okay? Spoiler alert: it’s not. I began to dread nursing sessions when I once looked forward to & savored them & those moments my girl & I had. Just the two of us. That rush of love. I was proud that I could surprise myself & so many others with how well it was all going since I’m so small. But it turned into me having so much anxiety leading up to nursing & pumping & then during. D-MER is real & can present in many ways. Not just anxiety & depression, despondency, or agitation/anger. It, like so many other things in life, is broad, wide-ranging, & on a spectrum. I have been fighting this beast for 9 weeks hoping things would just change/click. I’m back on birth control, & I see my therapist all the time, it feels like, & I’ve become & been a burden to my friends & family, or at least that’s how I’ve felt. This has all brought up my own childhood sexual assault that many don’t even know about & that I don’t speak of openly. Turns out, becoming a parent for the first time tends to bring up old, undealt-with trauma. Fun stuff, right? I am grieving this phase of mamahood being over, but I am DAMN proud of almost 9 months of chestfeeding & 9 months & 1 day of pumping. Tonight, as I sit in & fully feel my feelings, I’m also taking the time to revel in & take solace in the fact that our sweet, little girl will continue to get as much breastmilk as she can with the stash I was able to create that’s in our new, huge freezer downstairs. My goal was a year +. You cannot do IVF while breast/chestfeeding or pumping, & we initially decided to continue on this journey for a year +. Our girl had other plans. This is just the first of many life lessons we need to take from her: her timetable, & what’s best for her.

We’re leaning in, girl.

We’re listening.

What is best for you?

What is best for me?

What is best for WE?

Like an image passing by
My love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes
My love, my life
I can see it all so clearly (See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely (Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie?
Like reflections of your mind
My love, my life
Are the words you try to find
My love, my life
But I know I don’t possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only

“My Love, My Life” by ABBA

~ As always, thanks so much for reading. Much love, & hope for a return of the light.