“Here’s to strong women,” indeed.
May know them.
May we be them
May we raise them. <— this part
When we found out we were miraculously (scientifically) pregnant, I was ecstatic.
Terrified, but totally elated.
Dec. 9th, when we heard that heartbeat, we rushed home, heads spinning, hearts soaring. We celebrated. We breathed.
The next day, I secretly made an appointment for a blood draw at a local lab to surprise Stephen with the sex of this little miracle-life right along growing inside me.
The dearest of friends (our Fairy Glob Mother) agreed to receive this info. – a hefty weight she bore with ease – & put together a package for us to open up together on Christmas Eve.
Stephen was all-around surprised, but we were both finding out the sex of our baby together. To be honest, I’m shocked I keep this secret. It is one of TWO from the entirety of our near 12 years together that I’ve managed to keep.
It was a magical, albeit scary, moment for us.
I couldn’t have been more excited to learn that we were expecting a little girl. The weight of raising a girl in this complicated & messed up world. The cards seem ever stacked against us (as women, girls). I barely navigate it myself; how am I to instruct & guide a life that is solely dependent upon me to do that same?
Oof. Parenting, in general, I know is quite the Herculean task & feat of everything & for all. That gravity of it is not lost on me. But something about raising a daughter seems extra…important.
I am & have been surrounded by, supported by, protected by, & loved by an army of fierce, soft, generous, compassionate, caring women. These magnificent beings have done nothing short of carry – sometimes drag – me through the horrific storm of infertility & loss. I love you all, there are too many of you to name & to count.
I’d like to specifically take the time to thank two in particular.
To Hannah, the Fairy Glob Mother to our angel girl: you are, have been, & continue to be the most understanding, compassionate, & “I hear, I see you, I validate you, I’ve got you” friend I’ve ever had. I would not have gotten through the many down days & moments with you. I couldn’t imagine a better person, & model of a mother & a friend, to help Stephen & me raise this little girl. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being here.
To Lauren, undoubtedly (& hilariously) probably the best friend I’ve ever had that I’ve never met in person (internet friends are the best friends. Don’t @ me) LOL. You’ve listened to me say my meanest, saddest, darkest thoughts. You’ve lifted me up. You’ve helped & guided me. Given me advice; tough advice that I didn’t want to hear when I wasn’t receptive to hearing it but still. It needed to be said & it needed to be heard. And it was by me. Eventually…You did all of this while pregnant TWICE. They aren’t enough ways to say “thank you.” But THANK YOU. I am endlessly grateful for your support & your willingness to hold out hope for 39 long months when I was despondent, in total misery, & despair. I love you eternally. You have found countless signs, of which you know I am deeply connected to & grateful for, that we both believe that the universe has sent to & for us both. When awaiting our first transfer, you laminated three 4 leaf clovers (you have an uncanny affinity to finding these!) & sent them to me. I haven’t said it out loud, but I think three is our number. Three little lives that are meant to be ours earthside. I will never appropriately be able to convey the bond & gratitude that I to & for you. Whatever our souls are made of, they are the same. Kindred spirits.
It is my great privilege to be expecting a little girl. I know it is not only my duty but also my honor to raise her to be the type of girl & woman that I have been blessed to know, be enveloped, & loved by in my life. The weight & heaviness feels a little less hefty with the knowledge that I am not short on endless examples of beauty, strength, perseverance, & badassery.
Happy International Women’s Day. I love you all. We are all warriors.
~ As always, thanks so much for reading. Much love, & hope for a return of the light.
And I hope she is happy
And fights for her choice
I hoep that my daughter
Always uses
Her voice
Kiara Whittle
Soulstice: Return of the Light 