Today it’s Thursday, January 27th. But I’ve had this tab open on my MacBook for 48 hours. I have been positively stagnant. Totally blocked up. On how to get started. On what to share. This hasn’t happened to me on this journey. Not since I’ve been sharing for a little over a year. It was, is, a new sensation.
I texted dearest friends (who is one of two people who have really pulled me through these difficult trials and tribulations and without whom I probably wouldn’t be here) that I was sitting down to write. I told her that it had been a long time since I’d done this. Since October after our biochemical pregnancy. In fact, it had been so long, Word Press made me do a two-factor authentication. October 11th was the last time I logged in, sat drown, & wrote. She, compassionately, asked how I was feeling about this, and I told her, in a series & flurry of texts:
“I’m stuck. I want to give people hope. And it’s important to me that I follow MY journey. There’s so much shit out there about infertility and fertility treatments. There has to be some good.”
Ultimately, I decided that I just needed to be honest & say that. So, I have. I have always been unflinchingly honest with you all. No matter what. It’s my north star. My guidepost.
Something I want to share from the get-go is the guilt that I feel sharing this happy news & this new chapter of our lives in a space that was created for infertility & the trying times of fertility treatments. Obviously, the point of fertility treatments is this. To be pregnant, & solidly so. But to omit the fact that I feel like I have imposter syndrome right now would be categorically wrong & untrue. And, honestly, what. the. eff. Something else I had shared with that dear friend is that infertility really does indelibly change you. No matter what. Even though we suffered 39 months of infertility, countless meds, two lossess, a year of fertility treatments, countless meds, three failed back-to-back IUIs, I somehow still feel weird. I’m infertile. I know this. Fertility treatments worked for me. IVF worked for me. Twice. So, I beat infertility to get & stay pregnant, but I’m still infertile. That doesn’t go away. And when we choose to expand our family, we will take the same, or a very similar path & we’ll have to face all of this all. over. again. *cue the anxiety attack*
But, I am one day away from being 16 weeks pregnant. So, I don’t feel firmly in the infertile camp anymore. I also don’t feel firmly in the pregnant camp. Because does anyone after infertility & loss? I’m grateful. I’m happy. But, honestly? That didn’t come until a few weeks ago. From 2 days after I got my first positive (at 4 days past 5 day frozen embryo transfer) to 7w3d (7 weeks, 3 days pregnant) I spotted/bled to varying degrees of…color. People kept telling me: “As long as it’s not bright red, you’re fine.” Sometimes, more often than I was comfortable with, it was bright red. Once, it gushed. So, I called the nurses & we went in to the doctor for an early ultrasound. I was assured we did the right thing & I wasn’t overreacting. Somehw, that helped as much as it didn’t. Then, both my husband & I suffered some intense, internal PTSD & grating waiting because it was too early to see anything, & we flashed back to the first loss with an empty gestational sac. The waiting is the hardest part. No one freaking talks about the waiting after the TWW (the two week wait). Maybe it doesn’t affect people who are lucky enough to have no suffered & endured loss, but my GOD the waiting to make sure everything is eventually “okay” is excruciating. Every single day felt like a week. I’m not exaggerating. It was horrible. Especially for someone with generalized anxiety disorder on top of having dealt w/ infertility & loss. And a loss 4 weeks before this pregnancy! Talk about trauma! Eventually 2, normally scheduled, follow-up ultrasounds assured everyone that things were moving in the right direction. The day before Thanksgiving, we saw the yolk sac that would be our baby. Baby was too small for us to hear the heartbeat (I was definitely disappointed), but we saw the heartbeat flutter. Apparently. Idk. I blacked out after the doctor said “Yes. It’s right there.” My husband says it happened though, LOL. I just nodded & pretended I knew what was going on so that my wonderful, lovely, life-giving doctor didn’t think I was an idiot. I felt like Rachel Green. A few weeks later we want back in at 8w6d (8 weeks, 6 days pregnant) saw a lil peanut shaped bébé & HEARD the heartbeat. My husband was supposed to record but he decided “what a fun time to try new things” & tried to use the volume button to hit record instead of the BIG RED RECORD button & he locked his phone instead. I was too happy to be mad. We graduated that day to my OB & we laughed & chatted gaily w/ my doctor. I made an inappropriate comment to my doctor, because it’s me. He mentioned that, with 6 very well-graded embryos left, many couples at our age & health get their entire families out of one egg retrieval. He said 2, 3, 4 , 5…I said: “That’s the plan! But will you be around?” He’s trying (been trying) to retire. He deserves it, but I’m sad. Because he’s amazing & he got us here to our miracle. True to me, I awkwardly said: “Whatever, it’s fine as long as I can have your son as my doctor. I mean, he clearly knows what he’s doing…becauser here I am.” *gestures awkwardly at stomach*
This was the first time we both felt like we could take a breath & relax a little bit. I didn’t feel like “Okay, this it, we’re good” yet but I knew it was coming. Fun fact: the 12 week safe zone is total bs. Most people say that because that’s around the time when a “normal” pregnant person has seen her OB & heard baby’s heartbeat. If you hear the heartbeat between 8-9, the chance of miscarriage drops to about 3%. Some say it’s even closer to 1.6%. Here’s a quote from: “Signs of Miscarriage: Everything you Need to Know” from thebump.com.
“Here’s the good news: According to a study, after an ultrasound confirms baby’s heartbeat at eight weeks, the risk of miscarriage is about 3 percent. Better yet, research published in Obstetrics & Gynecology indicates that the rate is closer to 1.6 percent for women experiencing no symptoms. What’s more, the risk of miscarriage continues to fall even lower as the weeks progress—so try not to stress.” (https://www.thebump.com/a/miscarriage-symptoms-signs-causes)
The next few weeks were filled w/ me figuring out who I wanted to be my provider, & ultimately switching doctors. Still didn’t feel real.
We had our OB education day with the nurse & get a LOT of information. The appointment was about an hour, my husband could be there with me thank goodness, & she was lovely. Helpful, informative, kind. She sent us home w/ a thick, blue folder full of all of the information I could ever want & need (anxiety craves answerrs, so I was thriving this day). I was sent for bloodwork & was able to get samples drawn to be sent off for genetic testing that day. Truthfully, this is why I swtiched back to this doctor. I was receiving pushback from my previous provider’s office (not the doctor, the doctors & nurses are fabulous) about preauthorizing genetic testing. Even though our fertility clinic requires all IVF couples to get genetic carrier screenings done prior to starting a cycle, we wanted as much information about the health of this little baby as possible. Again, it was one more piece of information & confirmation that things were going to progress as they should & that we will get to meet this little life earthside, screaming & crying in July.
We waited. And waited. And waited. And WAITED for the results. Basically, the company responsible for the testing got my samples, but didn’t have any paperwork attached to it (their fault) so they started processing it without knowing who the samples were for…it took more phone calls from me to my doctor’s office & the company as well as the lovely medical assistant to find out that it was there. But they just didn’t know where…they tried to blame it on my doctor & the office & the angel of an MA tracked down the tracking #, gave it to the very unhelpful, rude, & incompetent customer service rep & they said “Oh…I guess we should go find that.” Apparently, this happens from time-to-time, but not often. So, of course it had to happen to us. The issue was, the day that this all get resolved was the last day my samples would’ve been deemed “okay” for testing. Thankfully, what ended up being delayed was the paperwork, not the testing. *phew* It still took another phone call from me to get my paperwork processed, though.
In short: it was a damn mess; & I’m happy to be done w/ it. I’m even happier to know that baby came back low risk for everything (legally they can’t say no risk) & we got gender confirmed.
Yes, I said confirmed. That’s because the Monday after we heard that heartbeat, I snuck away & did a sneak peek, clinical blood test in a lab to surprise Stephen w/ the gender on Christmas Eve. The aforementioned dearest friend of mine (who will be baby’s Fairy Glob Mother because god is a concept that I’m just “eh” about) offered to have the results sent to her. She put together the sweetest package, & we opened it together on Christmas Eve Day. I knew it was coming, but didn’t know the gender. I filmed it, of course. I lied to Stephen & told him I didn’t know what the package was but that Hannah wanted to see our reaction. I have never in my life kept this big of a secret for this long. I’m notorious for buying or planning something & blurting it out that day. For instance, when I took that HPT (home pregnancy test) at 4dp5dt on November 2nd, I called Stephen at work immediately after crying in the bathroom, clutching my stomach, & praying that this little life stuck around until their due date. It wasn’t cute, or sweet, or a suprirse at all. I just blurted it out as he was headed to a job site w/ a coworker about an hour away. LOL.
So, we’ve known gender since Christmas Eve, but wanted confirmation baby’s gender assigned at birth with the prenatal genetic testing as well confirmation that baby is/was going to be fine before announcing anything. Hold your horses. though. We have a plan. Something sweet this way comes…Valentine’s Day weekend 😉
We also asked for an extra monitoring appointment after our OB Education day (bless medical professionals who listen to & honor patients’ needs!) & got to see all of bébé’s everything! They even moved around & we got a glimpse of a foot, & a hand up by their face! It was so cool! We haven’t decided yet if we’ll do a boutique US place to more images, but we did order a fetal doppler that will be here tomorrow to help w/ anxiety until we feel the little bébé move around!
We finally feel like a “normal” couple experiencing pregnancy, & that feels equally as weird as it does wonderful. But…we were pregnant for 76 before we felt like we fully take a deep inale & exhale fully. So, even though I may have moments where I have imposter syndrome because I am finally pregnant, & that feels…weird?…for some reason? I am steering into enjoying every moment I can. While also keeping it down-to-earth & real because guess what? You can be very grateful to be here, & not love every aspect or second of pregnancy. All this to say…thanks for sticking around & carrying about my story. Carrying about this next chapter in this journey to parenthood for us. Pregnancy, & I’m sure parenting, after infertility & loss is…hard; & complicated. It is my intent to be as open, honest & vulnerable about every piece of this moving forward. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the tragic. All of it. Whatever comes. I promise you that.
~ As always, thanks so much for reading. Much love, & hope for a return of the light.
So we’ve been told and some choose to believe it
But I know they’re wrong wait and see
Someday we’ll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me
“The Rainbow Connection” by Jim Henson
Soulstice: Return of the Light 