Thanks to everyone who has reached out. I don’t really have much of a capacity to talk & frankly I don’t want to. We’re incredibly disappointed – understatement of the century – & feel let down by the universe & whatever else is up or out there. I believe in the Sun, moon, & stars & that’s it. So, yeah. I’m disappointed in the Sun, the moon, & the stars. We’re unbelievably angry & in unimaginable pain. We truly can’t believe that this is happening to us. Again.
No, this didn’t happen for a reason.
No, it will not all “be okay.”
No, it’s not “all good.” It’s “all suck.”
God’s timing & plan has nothing to do with losing two babies so save it for someone else. Actually, don’t. Don’t save that for anyone else. EVER. Don’t you ever say that to anyone. EVER. “For any reason. For any reason ever. No matter what. No matter where. Or who. Or who you are with. Or where you are going. Or where you’ve been….ever, for any reason whatsoever…” (<— Michael Scott rant quote. Sorry it’s over now.) Period. Because no one wants or deserves hear that. It’s actually unbelievably cruel to say to someone & total & complete fucking bullshit. And, dismissive. We didn’t do anything to deserve this. Twice. And there’s nothing wrong with us. So, don’t even begin to ask what happened. We don’t know & we’re sick with wonder & anger but also knowing that none of this is our fault.
Yes, this is beyond unfair that we have to go through this. Again.
Wanna know the truth of how we’re doing? (Asking how we’re actually doing is a start instead of the “I know this sucks, but: HoW aRe YoU?” You just said you know the question sucks. Why did you go ahead & ask it then??? And honestly, you don’t want to know the truth. Not the glob’s honest one, that is.
Anyway, you asked so here goes. The truth: I don’t know how I get through each day. I really fucking don’t. I just…do. Being awake sucks. Being asleep sucks. It’s all PAIN. And it all sucks & I hate it. Nothing can make this better but time. Don’t tell me I’m strong. I 👏🏾 don’t 👏🏾 have 👏🏾 a 👏🏾 choice 👏🏾 – what else do you propose I do that would not be viewed as strong in your eyes? I guarantee I’ve thought those thoughts & done the shit you deem as “weak.” Just because someone has the appearance of strength & holding & carrying the uimaginable well doesn’t mean for one second the weight & load isn’t heavy as mother fucking HELL.
Also, stop asking what we need, or telling us to reach out to ask if we need anything. We don’t fucking know what we need. Asking this, or putting this on us, puts the onus back on the people in pain to figure it out. Figure it out yourself, ask someone in your life, or don’t reach out. Grief is weird, & hard, & all consuming. We’re barely surviving & getting through as it is. Or better yet just ask: “How can I best support you?” “What do you need?” Grieving people don’t have the capacity to tell you how to take care of us. Again: complete & utter bullshit. Can you bring our babies back? No? Didn’t think so. So you can’t do shit. Thsnks, bye.
So, what do we (or any grieving person(s) for that matter) need? NOT prayers. We don’t want them or have any use for them. They’re not helping. They didn’t help this time, nor did they help in 2019. Now, we just have two dead babies. So, just be angry with us. Next time you feel like you want to pray, for us don’t. Shove that urge down & do this instead: scream, cuss, & cry into the void until you lose your voice & your tears have run dry.
Lastly, don’t ask about next steps or when we can try again. I’m legitimately actively miscarrying so disrespectfully eff all the way off. You have absolutely no idea when someone is starting or going through this horrific process, so instead of taking that risk of asking the most insensitive of questions at the most insensitive of times, SHUT THE HELL UP. My next steps are to cramp horribly & bleed heavily with clumps of tissue being flushed down the toilet. I literally have to, for days, watch my tangible hopes & dreams go down the drain. It’s morbid & grotesque & cruel. Is that what you wanted to hear? Probably not. But it’s true. Maybe this will stop you in your tracks from ever asking a miscarrying person(s) an insensitive & horrifying question that you have absolutely no business asking.
Bottom line: we don’t know next steps. Quite frankly, it’s mean to ask & dismissive of what we’re currently experiencing.
Feeling like a saggy, massive sack of shit (oh shit) /
Big ‘ol motherfucking duffel bag of shit (oh shit)
Bo Burnam “Shit.”
Soulstice: Return of the Light 