Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a complicated day for me. It used to be a day where my family would be together and my dad would pick what he wanted for dinner; we would sit around and talk and laugh. It was a simple holiday, one that probably doesn’t get the same attention as Thanksgiving or Christmas; one that comes and goes with little fanfare. That old cliché, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” couldn’t be more true. I lost my father in 2017, as my wife may have mentioned in previous posts. So now, Father’s Day is a day of sadness, a day to reminisce, and to wonder about the years we did have together. 

Fast forward to 2019 and, again, as you all know, my wife and I find out we were expecting. We were so excited that the thing we have been trying to get for so long is finally happening. Then, it didn’t. I don’t think I need to go into detail of what all happened next. So now Father’s Day 2019 arrives, and man was it a doozy. I didn’t have my father here to celebrate and celebrate with and the year I was supposed to become a father, didn’t happen.

I asked my wife if I could write this post for Father’s Day because I think there are many other “should-be-fathers” out there that may be having a hard time today and I want them to know that it’s okay. It’s okay to show it, talk about it, let it be known that today just kinda sucks. I can only speak to my own experiences but there is such outside, societal pressure to “be strong” that it feels wrong to actually feel, or at least show that I’m feeling. I’ll be honest, expressing emotions is not something I excel at, my wife will be the first to tell you that, but I do feel and just because I look fine or even say that I’m fine doesn’t mean I am fine. 

What I experienced through our loss does not even come close to what my wife experienced. I can’t even begin to explain how heartbreaking it was to see her go through that and the emotional toll it took on her. I did my best to be strong, to be the rock, to not show emotions because that is what a good partner is supposed to do and as the husband that was my role. Some days though, I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t a rock, and I was very emotional; but I felt I couldn’t be honest about how I was feeling. With myself or anyone else. That what I was experiencing didn’t matter, that I just needed to pull it together because I was “the man” and that’s what I was supposed to do. It has taken me a long time, and thanks to a ton of effort from my wife, to be honest about emotions and how I’m feeling. I still have a ways to go, but now I am more honest with myself about how and what I am feeling and I just feel better; like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

Obviously, I am not as skilled a writer as my wife, and I thank you for bearing with me as I attempt to put my thoughts in words and then onto paper. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge that this day doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. To all the “should-be-fathers” out there who have experienced a loss in any way, I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s okay to ignore societal pressures and let those walls come down every once in a while. It’s okay to be open and honest about what you are feeling and experiencing. To all the fathers out there, I wish you the happiest of Father’s Days.