Recently, especially with being home more & naturally ruminating more due to the pandemic, I’ve been made aggressively aware of something. The idea & the feeling of being left out, left behind, & lonely within our own lives.
I realize that this is not singularly unique to us, especially due to Covid-19 sweeping the literal world. And honestly that fact has actually been pretty comforting in & of itself. To not feel alone in the paths we’re walking, even though the circumstances may not be exactly the same, has given me a great deal of comfort, weirdly enough. I think the past year has really allowed us to think about ways in which we, as humans, as similar & connected rather than focusing on how we’re different, other, or disconnected.
What I do find to be very difficult is seeing people right, left, up, down, & all around get pregnant, share their “we didn’t socially distance” or “we didn’t stay 6 feet apart” announcements on a onesie &/or overlaying a letterboard. Sure, I rolled my eyes (because: tacky), but I also secretly wanted the pitiable laugh & love at the (somewhat) tasteless post. Because we damn well deserve any & all kinds of joy, too. Even if pitiable.
This is all expected. Every season & holiday comes & goes with pictures splashed across my phone screen. Pictures that I myself have personally dreamt of, saved on Pinterest, & “add to cart-ed” in hopes of our own sweet (if not equally eye-roll/pitiable laugher inducing) announcement. Yeah, they still sting like a mother effer, but they’re expected, nonetheless.
What hasn’t been quite so expected is the realization that our bubble, my husband & me, is just…us. And our dog. But, for the sake of this argument, she doesn’t really count. (Don’t tell her I said that!!) So many people around us have “bubbled” with other families, as they should, for the ease of socialization for their child(ren). And them, too, probably. And I get it. I really do. NO ONE is doing any of this (including pregnancy announcements that curl me up around a bottle of red wine on the couch in the fetal position) to personally hurt, attack, or alienate us.
So…
Why does it feel like that? So personal. So directed. So intentional.
I think I have the answer.
And I don’t think that the non-infertiles or the ones blessed with a child/ren are going to like it. No one enjoys facing the reality of their words & actions (or lack thereof) causing hurt. Whether it be intentionally or not. However, I’m not really in the business of placating someone else’s feelings in this shit path & on this crap journey. So, here goes:
We are raised & live within a pretty damn thoughtless society, if you ask me. It’s one of two things, in my mind. Either complete self-absorption of your life & your goings on, that we are not stopping to think about how our words, actions, behaviors (or lack thereof which, guess the eff what? are JUST AS if not MORE hurtful & damaging…) affect others. Probably due to the everyday minutia of a busy-parent lifestyle. Or, it’s just the simple fact that we’ve been raised to be totally self-involved & 0.00% empathetic. Either option isn’t great.
So, if you’re one of the lucky non-infertiles, or someone who is blessed with the everyday, busy-parent minutia lifestyle…maybe just stop before you complain publicly or privately about your kids (read the room), or accidentally exclude family & friends who are infertile or facing season after season, holiday after holiday, month after month, week after week, day after excruciating day, freakin’ childless. It’s all we want. Let me be perfectly clear: you’re allowed to complain. You’re allowed to surround yourself with people who make parenting & your lifestyle as parents easier & more enjoyable. Just don’t forget about the rest of us, okay? The infertiles, the childless, the sad, the alone, the despaired, the…barely-able-to-keep-goings. Think about & include us every once in awhile. Even when it’s not “convenient.”
Thsnks.
~ As always, thanks so much for reading. Much love, & hope for a return of the light.
If I could / Maybe I’d give you my world / How can I / When you won’t take it from me / You can go your own way / Go your own way / You can call it / Another lonely day / You can go your own way / Go your own way
Fleetwood Mac “Go Your Own Way.”
Soulstice: Return of the Light 