“…no. not like that.”

Hi, all. I know that it’s been awhile, but I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to write/update on a personal level during the TWW (two week wait). And then, to be quite honest, I just really haven’t felt like writing.

Over the last few weeks (nay: months/years) people have, in their discomfort with loss & infertility, offered a bevy of unsolicited advice to me & my husband. While their & its intention may be well-meaning, it’s actually triggering, damaging, wrong, unwarranted, & downright inexcusable. There are multitudes of personal accounts (by way of social media & op eds) about offering platitudes (also super shitty, don’t do that either) to those who have lost anyone or are on this terribly winding road of struggling to conceive. So, I’m not going to talk about that. So many far more well-known & relevant people have discussed this than me. Including celebrities. It’s overwhelming. Google it. It’s out there. In summation of this topic: toxic positivity SUCKS.

Moving on.

Please, for the love of ALL things: “don’t ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever…Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, & I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.”

Oops. “The Office” quotes took over my brain. Again. Wait…that doesn’t happen to everyone????????? Anyway…

In all seriousness…do NOT offer anyone any freaking unsolicited advice unless they ask for it. Okay? Seriously. Just do me this measly, little solid & don’t. freaking. do. it. It’s actually the thing worst ever. On behalf of everyone walking this absolutely impossibly shitty path. Me & the rest of the infertiles will be eternally grateful. 🙂

What can you say?

“I’m so sorry.”

“This sucks.”

“This is so unbelievably unfair.”

“I’m here for you.”

“I support you.”

“How can I support you?”

“I love you.”

“You’re not alone.”

If you have not walked this path, you cannot offer advice. You just can’t. And, really, you just shouldn’t even try to. You cannot tell someone to keep going, don’t give up, keep the faith & hope alive, & walk their own path, & then, in the same breath, tell them the way in which they heal, & deal, & move forward, onward, ahread, & through is wrong. Because, to be frank, nothing is wrong if it makes us feel better & helps us to keep pushing forward. And onward. And ahead. And through.

“Do you…but not like that.”

May I suggest (respectfully, kindly, politely) that you maybe just zip it? 🙂

Thsnks.