I would like to take a moment to address why I started this blog. It was obviously partly to navigate & work through our our trauma & struggle with trying to conceive. But, ultimately I wanted to create a safe space on the internet for people just like my husband Stephen & me. I can’t how many, well-meaning, people said “I’m sorry…but, it’ll happen [insert arbitrary timeline that worked for them].” And that is GREAT that it worked that way for them. However, what this did for me, & maybe Stephen I’m not sure, is forced me to scour the internet for miracle stories. Slowly, those milestones slipped by:
“It’ll happen the next cycle, sometimes our bodies just have to figure it out how to get pregnant. Now that it knows, it won’t reject the next pregnancy.”
“You’ll be pregnant with 6 months of the loss, just you wait.”
“You’ll get pregnant by your due date. I did! You’ll see.”
“There’s no way it will take you as long this time. You figured your body out, & naturally. It’ll happen.”
“Just relax.”
“Don’t try.”
“Just get drunk.”
The last three were often used in conjunction with one another. Again, these were all very well-intentioned & not meant to hurt me. But they did have me looking online for similar stories to give me even the tiniest sliver of hope to clutch onto. To focus on something other than the deep pit of despair & depression that ensnared me every. single. month. You know around the time when you get really moody, sad, angry, & suddenly become best friends with a heating pad, chocolate, or – if you’re like me – extra, extra, EXTRA salty tasty treats…
Anyway, all this is to say that I have been solely, obsessively pouring my energy into telling our experience in a totally unfiltered & uninhibited way. Because if I can help just one person with the honesty of my story, then I will feel better about all of this. I won’t say it will give it (the struggle + the loss + more months of struggle) a purpose, because I whole-heartedly do not believe the platitude that: “everything happens for a reason;” but I do believe that it will give my life going forward (no matter what our path to parenthood actually ends up being) drive, direction, & motivation.
With that tunnel-vision, I fully discounted the feelings of other people involved in our story. People who love us unconditionally, who have been behind us from the very onset of this hellish journey – figuratively & literally – & people who have been in our corner physically & metaphorically supporting & holding us up through this trying time, people who have been sources of information, aid, constant & above-average help & care. Though my intentions were never to hurt anyone, it is important to recognize when we’ve made mistakes (because, hi, we’re human & that will & does happen from time-to-time) & hurt our people. Mistakes are a natural part of life & if the hurt is unintentional, that’s great. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that the hurt did happen & it does exist. Whatever your intentions were or are, that doesn’t invalidate the other person’s, or peoples’, reaction or relation to the unintentional hurt your very human mistake caused. Acknowledge it. Make space for it. Apologize for it. Learn from it. Move forward through it. Grow.
I may not be grateful for every step of our twisty-curvy, topsy-turvy journey to parenthood; but I am forever & for always appreciative of, grateful & thankful for, & undoubtedly indebted to our people. Thank you for loving & supporting us unconditionally; always. Thank you for being there from the literal, absolute beginning of all of this. And for staying with us through it all. Thank you for your guidance, aid, above & beyond medical & mental/emotional care.
All my love, respect, gratitude, & sincerest of apologies.
Face your mistakes & apologize. Be humble & kind. Move forward & through it to know, be, & do better.
“My stupid mouth / Has got me in trouble/ I said too much again.”
John Mayer “My Stupid Mouth.”
Soulstice: Return of the Light 