According to an article entitled What Does “Auld Lang Syne” Really Mean? by Brandon Specktor, (updated December 09, 2020 in Reader’s Digest) “auld lang syne” means: “old long since.” In layman’s, or current, terms we’d understand it to mean “days gone by.” It has, basically, turned from a 18th century poem to a New Year’s drinking-song tradition to ring in a new year. So, now, we know “auld lang syne” to be “let’s drink to days gone by!” I, quite literally, haven’t read a more perfectly descriptive phrase to properly say sayonora to on the fire garbage can that is 2020. (Thanks to John C. Mulaney for this *chef’s kiss* metaphor.)
Let’s be real for a second…2020 wasn’t what a single one of us expected it to be. And, to be honest, I have never really loved, or even liked, New Year’s Eve. It’s a lot of pressure, & one year my engagement was totally ruined by my then best friend. (She put me in the supposed-to-secret Facebook message thread about the “after engagement party.” There were tears. On all sides. It was baaaaaaad, y’all. Very cringe. Much ick.) At best, I have tolerated this day.
But something I will say for this year, at least for Stephen & me, is that it is a new beginning. A fresh start. A clean slate. A path that’s been cleared in which to clean & clearly forward, onward, & ahead. For us, the biggest transition on our road & journey to parenthood will be the fact that we had our very first infertility appointment the last week of this horrid, shit, on-fire-garbage-can year.
I’m really not sure what I was expecting to hear during that appointment, to be honest. That maybe my anxiety had really taken over my body & there was nothing wrong with either my husband or me. That it was all in my head (which, now that I think about it, honestly would not have not felt good to hear in the slightest…). That we just needed to keep trying, up our dosage, we’d have a 2021 baby easy peasy lemon squeezey. L. O. L. Alex. Everything about the process & journey of infertility, marked by loss, followed by more unexplained infertility has been unequivocally difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. Through no fault of anyone. That’s the frustrating part about unexplained infertility. Everyone is on your side & in your corner, but it’s called “unexplained” for a reason. There’s no logical reason why this didn’t happen easily the first time & why it’s not happening again post-loss. And the answer is never right in front of you or clear-cut. Oftentimes, unexplained actually means that you won’t ever get an answer. But you might get a baby or two, & that’s pretty okay consolation prize if you ask me.
What it all boils down to is actually some very simple, uncomplicated, not terrible, or even devastating annoying shit. “Normal issues” (I hesitate to use both of those words for obvious reasons) from both my husband & me that, combined, is making it unnecessarily difficult to conceive 100% naturally again. I’m a Taurus, & in line with that, I went a tad bit rogue (as in probably not something my fertility doc would’ve necessarily recommended before our first appointment…) & went ahead & took some leftover Letrozole at 5 mg. I’m glad I did, because I had a jump start for this cycle & was able to get scheduled for an ultrasound to determine follicle growth & size on Saturday, January 2nd. This means not only did we not lose or waste a month waiting for our consult appointment, but we’re right on track. And that feels good after all this time! What all of this means is…I could potential have my insemination (yes this means that we’re doing intrauterine insemination, or IUI) as early as Monday…W. H. O. A. Talk about whiplash…
This is my 3rd cycle medicated, with Letrozole. I was on Clomid for 3 months, after I had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram – X-ray to look at the fallopian tubes for blockages & the uterine cavity for any outstanding abnormalities preventing conception) done over the summer (after we hit that magic year mark of trying to conceive post loss) & that didn’t garner the exact results we wanted. The HSG was a bit uncomfortable. Having a ballon inflate inside of you can be pretty painful – maybe I almost passed out…IDK!? But the doctor who did the procedure, nurse, & radiologist could not have been more kind, reassuring, & positive during & about the about the results (which I got pretty much right away as the radiologist read them in front of me). In fact, she said “Good for you! This is good news!” A lovely, little serotonin boost! Basically, it looked great, so for all intents & purposes, another 6 months of trying after the HSG really had the potential to elicit positive (pun intended) results. The doctor even told me he had seen many patients have this HSG done, & then get pregnant within 6 months! So, just keep trying & doing what we’re doing! Yay!
So, I was on Clomid for July, August, & September. Clomid can be known for thinning the uterine lining & I really have this feeling that 10 years of birth control altered my insides a bit more than we had initially thought. (I won’t get graphic here.) I do want to point out that Clomid is the only FDA approved drug specifically for infertility. So, it’s pretty much always prescribed first. And it really does work for a lot of people! Which is great! It just didn’t for me. Which is not so great. Letrozole was first prescribed to me at 2.5 mg in October, & then we upped my dosage to 5mg for the next two cycles. The cycles I have done with Letrozole did do what they were supposed to do for my body. Which is truly wonderful news! My body responded & is responding, so that “issue” on my end has been isolated.
As soon as my fertility doctor had pored over my 100+ page medical records (honestly thank GOD for detailed medical records!), he made the decision for IUI pretty instantaneously. He assured us that he is 100% confident that this will work for us, & rather quickly. The ultrasound we will have on Saturday, January 2nd will determine when I take/do the Ovidrel shot (at home ovulation stimulator: aka it’s a needle I have to shoot in my belly. And by “me” I very do much mean Stephen), & then subsequently when the insemination will take place. This is all moving very quickly, & it’s super *romantic* but…after 27 months of trying, wishing, waiting, & praying…we don’t really have any flying, or grounded, effs left to give.
Honestly, I was really upset about all of this for a solid 12 hrs. after we left the doctor (because of Covid, Stephen & our Goldendoodle Maisie stayed in the car & FaceTimed me from the parking lot – it’s fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine). Our doc’s plan seemed to solidify the constant fear & anxiety running through my head that my body is broken. read: that I am broken. But Stephen, being the sweet, loving, & logical husband that he is, reminded me that the doctor did, in fact, ask if the plan he outlined for us sounded good to us. We did, after all, seek fertility help. So, why not accelerate the whole “getting a baby” process at this point? Again: TWENTY. SEVEN. MONTHS, ya’ll. To say we’re DONE done would be the understatement of the decade. Please send us any good thoughts, vibes, prayers that you can spare for the coming days, weeks, months…whatever it might be.
So. Forward. Onward. Ahead. Auld lang syne. Old long since. Let us ALL drink to days gone by!
~ Thanks for reading. Much love, & hope for a return of the light.
Best wishes. Warmest regards.
Schitt’s Creek
↑↑↑ all of us to 2020…probably.
Soulstice: Return of the Light 